Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Guess who wrote the intro to her book this weekend....?!?!?!?


damn straight.

And I had an engagement shoot on saturday that is now up on karaloomisphotography.blogspot.com and although it wasn't awesome to start with and I was discouraged, I think it became pretty kick ass when all was said and done!!! whoop whoop! :)

Friday, April 17, 2009

Summer Reading List

Ok soooooo on my break I spent over $80 of my massive tax return on books. (see above pic) I'm not even mad.... except I really do need to be researching a new SLR to be buying because in my bizzz, if my camera poops out then I.am.screwed. BUT I needed a splurge and I figure books (and soon to come a pedicure/tanning) would be the best way. Soooooooooo for all of you who are just DYING to know what's on my Summer reading list........ here it is:::
First of all - of COURSE the 4th Jen Lancaster (FAVE AUTHOR EVA who writes just like I think I would and I adorrrrrree), Pretty in Plaid will be on the top of my list. But it comes out in MAY so I have to wait. boo. But EXCITED.Second being Godmother by Carolyn Turgeon. This looks HELLA interesting. ok it's the story of how cinderella's godmother actually fell in love with the prince and went to the ball AS cinderella. omg. I'm soo excited

Third, The Book of Joe by Jonathon Tropper was highly recommended by Jenn Lancaster and well,,,, can't help but love her. It's about a guy who comes back to his home town and is hated, etc. It looks good--- but I might save it till after some of my other reads.

4th - I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley is a collection of shorter funny stories and I have a feeling her writing will be similar to mine so I'm pumped for this.

5th - Stupid.... and Contagious by Caprice Crane. I enjoy Caprice Crane immensely, not to be confused with Meg Crane, who is also awesome. The subtitle of this book is "She was Heaven Sent. He Refused the Package". Nuff said.

6 & 7 - Chelsea Handler is one of my heroes. Her and Jen Lancaster are all I ever wanna be. She's the star of the show: "Chelsea Lately." Anyways she wrote 2 books: "Are You There Vodka, It's my Chelsea" and "My Horizontal Life". I purchased both because I'm effing excited about them/her.

I will keep you abreast of the ongoing reading as it progresses!!!!! :) Peace and cheese bitches.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I have to start the search over AGAIN

Today I found out that my 520 hours that I was required to finish in my temp position will be over by friday of next week. I, of course, am PUMPED because FINALLY I'll be made full time - because the temp agency can't pay me anymroe cuz i used up the hours, right?


It turns out that it actually gets CHEAPER for my company to pay the temp agency after 520 hours. this means they used to pay 10% now they only have to pay 5%.

So I'm confused and I've been here for over 3 months so I want to know what's going on with my FUTURE. Dennis, my supervisor, has been telling me for the last TWO months that they NEED me and that I'll be made permanent really "SOON".

So I talk to Dennis to get a little recap on what's going on and any status updates. So I talk about the 520 hour thing and he says that I can still be a temp- that's not a problem- My temp agency won't just drop me off the face of the Earth. So I'm relieved. Then I ask about being hired permanently. And he said that he has had meetings and tried over and over to get me permanent. He had a meeting with the "powers thatbe" last Friday aout permanancy as well. And I said.... and??? And he said that right now the company is in a "slow" period at that as of right now - they're over budget and they can't afford to hire me - what with the huge 12 cent raise I'll be getting and health insurance.... that they'll mainly be taking out of my paycheck.

So I asked..... will I be made permanently?? And he said that as of right now - everything is up in the air. He says that he doesn't know if I'll ever be made permanently- but not to worry because I'll still be able to temp with them for a while.

He then proceeded to tell me that he'll keep me updated and if I can't be made permanently and they can't afford me that I'll "be the first to know."

Oh. Em. Gee THANKSSSSSSSSS. I'm glad to know I'll be the first to know when I'm on the street on my ass all desolate and unemployed AGAIN.

WTF???? This company spends like HUNDREDS of dollars to pay for our sales guys meals/alcohol. The company WASTES money on the stupidest and frivolous things. But when it comes to hiring someone at 27,500 which is PENNIESSSS compared to what other people around here are getting paid (aka- the person just THREE ranks ahead of me is getting a QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY YEAR - while I will make that much in TEN YEARS) - they can't hire me.

And I NEED it. I need health insurance. I need a job. but their big lunches and expensive cars and needless trips to vegas and MASSIVE amounts of alcohol that those trips have and that the company pays for..... yeah that's more important. And YES I'm just a lowly contract Admin. I'm not respected. I'm dumb. I get it. BUT when all of your contracts aren't followed after and when tehre's no one to answer the phones for you- and when the GOOOOD work- that you don't get ANY complains about is gone.... THEN tell me if those decisions were worth it.

I work HARD. I pick up jobs like fucking Bank Statements that NO ONE WANTS TO DO- and I do it with a smile and I excel at the job. When YOU AND THE DUMBASS makes mistakes- and someone needs to call ALLLLLLL of our inspectors and apologize for our mistakes and ask for their W-9s (2 months late) so that they can get their taxes done- IIIIII DO THE BITCH WORK AND WITH A GOD DAMN SMILE- even though I was YELLED at for 2 weeks straight.

It's so GOD DAMN fucked up.

And since I was basically PROMISED a permanent job- I HAVEN"T BEEN LOOKING for any other position!!!! So basically I'm fucking screwed. I could have been looking for a job that pays me MORE than fucking $13 an hour ANDDDD gives me health insurance. But no. I haven't been because I was told that it was a DEFINITE thing for me to be hired. I feel like such a FOOL.

I told my temp agency that they need to start looking for other jobs- because I will be too. ANDD I'll be going on job interviews DURING the day. Because it doesn't matter- I can take as many days off as I want- I just won't be getting paid because I'm not permanent. And when I leave this job for another job- I hope they have a great time finding someone who does this job and all the OTHER fucking jobs you had me do as well as I do ANDDDD I hope you have someone to train them.

I told the temp agency that I'm giving it to the end of May. I better either be permanent by the end of may or I better have another position. And that's final. I'm not your BITCH anymore. I will not be pushed around and I will not be complacent. I'm taking charge and I'm getting a fucking better paying job.

Dennis even TOLD ME: " It's up to you whether you want to stick around and hope that we can make you permanent- or look around- and if some company comes up to you and offers you a lot more money and health insurance- we'll throwyou a pizza party becuase you deserve that" He's encouraging me to look for other jobs. WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME TO DO THAT BEFORE. God I'm such an idiot but WHAT THE HELL. I need to be kept updated about this shit. I'm so pissed.

Ok I'm done for now- but expect a lot of crying, anger, screaming, plotting, depression and MASSIVE AMOUNTS of stolen creamer. Fuck you FSS FUCK YOU

Sunday, March 1, 2009

It never stops playing over in my head

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I have news!

Ok so a few exciting things I'm going to recap with everyone real quick.

1) I have a date!! yay! I'm going over to Steve's house on friday because he's cooking me dinner!! (I've never had a guy cook for me before) so that's pretty bangin. This is the same guy who opened all my doors for me, brought me flowers and paid for dinner last week. So this should be exciting. I'm baking brownies and icecream for dessert (the ice cream I'm buying- not baking)

2) I ran a contest for discounted photoshoots for this sunday (cuz I thought I was poor and didn't have enough for health insurance (even though it turned out my deposit just didn't go though yet)). And whenever I used to be poor I used to think of ways to make money like::: prostitution, selling my eggs, etc etc. Now I can whore myself out with discounted photoshoots/promotions! yay! So anyways- pimped myself out on FB and I already booked 2 people!! Yay 200 dolla dolla bills y'all. So that's exciting. I'm really looking forward to it though!. One is head shots and one is grad pics.

3) Guess who's website just got launched?!?! THAT WOULD BE MINE!!!!!! Ok. Amy is a GENIUS!!!

Look at how BANGIN my website looks!!!! :) :) :) :)

This pic --->> is my home page and it is awesome. If you go to the portfolio page and click on the pictures in each section they FLY at you!!! :) hehe. ANDDDDD - the front page is a SLIDESHOW. And I just LOVE LOVE LOVEEEEEEE IT!!!! I'm really excited :) MANY MANY THANKS to Amy for her awesome awesome work!!

The website ISSSSSSS::::: http://www.karaloomisphotography.tk/


That's all for now friends!!! Love!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Let me tell you a little story about my lunch.

Me and the work girls (Emily, Kim and Stefanie) went out to Panera for lunch. Little did I know I would be getting a meal AND a show.

So we go, and the place is PACKED. There are little old ladies EVERYWHERE. So we wait in line and I get the bangin ceasar salad/broccoli cheddar soup combo. We finally find a place to sit in this little like room inside the restaurant that has like 4 tables. So we're excited.

Anyways. Half way through our meal we notice this short grubby fat and wicked greasy italian guy sitting next to us like about 2-3 yards away. He has a laptop cuz Panera has free wifi. Then we notice he has a huge has webcam attached to the top of it.

I turn to Stefanie and I'm like: if he whips anything out- we're outta here. Well NO sooner did I say this- I look across the table at Emily and her mouth DROPS in shock. We all turn and look and see that the girl this guy has been webcamming with has taken off her shirt and is shoving her boobs into the camera. Within ONE minute of that happening- it escalates and she is completely NAKED and dancing on the screen. Dancing all they way to the shower, while taking a shower and then after the shower.

We sat there for like a half hour because it was like a train wreck. All he kept saying over and over was: "That's great. That's just perfect."

If that weren't bad enough........ we then realize that he is TAKING SCREEN SHOTS from the webcam and saving them as pictures on his laptop!!!!! EWW

And if THAT weren't bad enough----- He is sitting by the door of this little room- aka: with his lap top facing the ENTIRE restaurant. No joke- we watched a group of 4 old ladies walk behind him , one mother/son combo, and a businessman and his girlfriend, just to name a few.

It was INSANE. And while this is happening- there are booths right near him that if he could have sat at - ones where his laptop would not be cause for offense to an entire restaurant of old ladies and families, and mid-twenties girls who are laughing their asses off while being simultaneously horrified, and making awful jokes like asking what time it is and saying it's shower time and him getting only a bag of chips and lots of napkins, etc etc. Nearly peed my damn pants.


In other news.... some changes going on at work that might mean permanent-ness for me *crosses fingers* yay health insurance!?!?!!

Monday, February 16, 2009

The HARDEST part is trying to act like everything is ok. It's near torture to smile and make small talk and pretend that my life isn't crashing down around me. It's impossible to get up every morning and drag my butt to work and out and to see people when I'd rather be alone curled up on my bed crying.

This is hard on so many different dimensions I can't even believe it.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Post Office now delivers hate mail

So I have to go to the Post office every morning to pick up the mail. The post office lady's name is Elisabeth. She's this cute middle aged skinny black woman. We usually just chat in the morning while I sign the slips and I'm on my way- real casual, real nice.

So this morning- she already had the slips waiting for me (usually she has to go get our crap, etc etc) So she's like: you won't believe it! This girl came in and I thought she was you! She was tall like you and had long dark brown hair like you and she was built like you, AND she had a chubby face with the chubby cheeks like you do!

and I kinda chuckled and was like: oh gee thanks!

And she goes: no- I like your chubby cheeks!

and I kinda smiled and told her to have a good day and I'd see her tomorrow. Got in my car and wanted to cry. How awful. Why would anyone say that. Ok maybe if I grew up with a chubbyface- but I didn't always have a chubby face. AND I have such bad acne right now- that i feel selfconscious anyways- and I'm getting over my period which always makes me feel blah AND I'm exhausted.

All this to say... I wanted coffee for breakfast- not a punch to my self-confidence

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Business Cards!

So this website is having a promotion for free business cards!!!! In order for it to be free- you have to pick from one of their 42 designs. Uploading your own costs 34.99 boo. BUT when I looked- I found this one and fell in love!! It's so classy I love it!!!!! : ) :) :) :)

Soooo.... check out my new business card!!!! ::

Monday, February 2, 2009

Words of wisdom from Sex and the City

"Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means that you're pretty sexy and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with."

22 Things to Remember from my 22nd year of life:

· The 2 for 22 party.
· MRSA and boils
· Dating a boy I definitely can say without hesitation that I loved. and Breaking up with him, and dating him and then breaking up and then becoming really close friends, then a month long fight in the summer, then really making up and then being one of my best friends and then losing him again.
· Valentines Day – The Mile of Meet where single women can walk up and down the street that is lined with single men and take down their numbers, read their profiles and hopefully make a connection…. And me getting/giving my number to the HOST of the party… not any of the participating men. Nice.
· Valentines Day – Going to Rock bottom with Jared and Pouch because it was a Thursday- and hence starting the year long tradition of going EVERY possible Thursday. I’m sad that that tradition is dying – and secretly I still go in hopes that he’ll show up again. But I’m getting tired of it and maybe it’s time to give up hoping.
· Meeting friends and being so happy that I had a group of people to go out with and drink with. And then realizing that I’m clearly not as good a judge of character as I thought… and losing those friends.
· Finding new friends who have shown me for the first time in all of my life the meaning of true, self-less, sacrificing, unconditional friendship.
· The start of the Blog (Blob) and the sisterhood.
· The year of weddings, and doing hair and make up and photos for weddings. And realizing that I wish I could do it all at weddings – plan, hair, make up, photographer.
· That one amazing, terrifying, electrifying, incredible, breathtaking, unforgettable night, and the ones that followed.
· Having someone to dance with me in the rain and hold me on a swinging bench, cradling me and us sharing the most intimate memories while crying with me and kissing my forehead. And feeling more loved in that moment than ever before.
· The Christmas from hell including rotten pineapples, me getting really hurt, storming out of the house, and nearly cutting myself off from the family. It’s mostly funny now- but sad then
· Meeting my mom for lunches with grandma, including seeing Mama Mia and having my grandma yell slut in the middle of a crowded theater.
· Graduating College with a dual degree, on time and being able to study abroad. I’m proud of myself.
· Working at what I thought was the best job on the planet and having it ruin my self-esteem, my mental health, my physical health and my future. Then being unemployed, sears and now First Sealord Surety.
· The worst new years eve of my life – and how I lost one of my best friends and it has torn me apart ever since.
· Starting my own business, Kara Loomis Photography. And remembering the joy that a camera brings me, and remembering the awakening of… something that it has brought me. A feeling of independence, terror, joy, excitement, anxiety and happiness.
· Learning that trusting God is so hard- but when you do- blessings are ever increasing in number.
· I got Zuri, my baby kitty, this year. She has cost me money, annoyance and messes sometimes- but I love that cat like no other.
· Having my own room and bathroom and my first ever king sized bed- which I can’t begin to tell you has brought me joy. I’m most sad to let that go- but it’s all good and all needed.
· My sister getting engaged and me being able to be her maid of honor.
· Getting to know myself and who I am – and realizing that I AM one of the strongest people I know. I have flaws, and I have greatness, but all in all- I’m a pretty damn good little package. :)

Monday, January 26, 2009

This bugs me...

People that I've either never met or rarely talk to or who aren't really my friends asking me to analyze their photographs.  And most of them are just drunk photos of their friends or photos of their motorcycle and mostly taken by their cell phone.

No I don't think the picture of your bike is good.  No I don't think you have the right to CRITICIZE my photos.  No i don't want you to tell me which ones are NOT GOOD.  I work hard.  I edit all weekend long.  I don't go out anymore.  I'm putting a lot of time, a lot of energy and a lot of money into this photography thing.  So unless you have gotten paid for your photoshoot, won a photo contest, started your own business or been published- do NOT criticize me.  And no- I won't give you free photoshoots or free photography advice.  Where do people get the balls for this shit?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

my english major wanna be coming out

I can NOT stand people who constantly misspell EASY words that we were taught in kindergarten. And I'm not talking about uneducated people. I'm talking about people who have graduated high school and even college. Granted their majors may not have been English or Business or Education, where grammar is DRILLED into them- but if you are LIVING then you should know how to spell- or know how to hit "ABC [check mark]". And the worst is people who pronounce words wrong like: SupposeBly not SupposeDly (the D is correct people) or canNidate instead of canDidate (D is correct again) or IRregardless instead of Regardles (no 'ir'). How about people who compose sentences that don't even make sense? It's like they had potluck day in their brain and everyone brought a random word and you threw them all together to make something that doesn't make sense and no one wants.

It's so freaking frustrating. You're educated- you're older than me in some cases. If you are older than a 10 year old- FIX YOUR FUCKING GRAMMAR. Take a damn English class. Or READ OVER what you write before you go and and make a complete dumb-ass out of yourself.

Monday, January 19, 2009

boo amber

Boo- I emailed amber and told her that she didn't win but she could hire me at a significantly discounted price and gave all the stuff, etc. And she just wrote back and said: "Thanks for considering us." Nothing else. Boo. I was hoping she would hire me :(

Sunday, January 18, 2009

3rd winner

Help me decide: THink of the best story. Also- those who don't win will get a discount sooo also take into account those that could afford me without winning :)


a.) how we met

Rebecca always attended her parents' holiday Christmas party. Each year, she would sit along with all the other families and watch the annual 'talent show' where typically the tipsy amateurs would get up and sing or play an instrument. This year, 2005, a young man, Jesse, stood up there, told everyone it was his first time playing in front a crowd, and proceeded to play Dierks Bentley's Come a Little Closer, ending to a roar of applause and many women sighing. Rebecca's mom nudged her about how cute the guitarist was as Rebecca casually shrugged her agreement. It seemed to end there.

A year later, Rebecca found herself interning at her parent's company during winter session of college. As she was attempting to figure out the transcription machine, she was approached by a familiar face. Jesse helped her set up the machine and they left it at that. A couple hours later, an e-mail from him was in her inbox, asking if she needed anything else. They clandestinely communicated in e-mails back and forth for weeks until Jesse proposed a bet on the World Cup winner. As the unfortunate loser, he asked Rebecca out on their first date.

b.) how the proposal happened

Jesse's niece, Anya, age 6, had a pool party over the summer. With the whole family in town, the birthday party turned out to be a huge celebration. Mid-afternoon, Jesse pulled Rebecca away from the party and into a side yard. His beaming grin alerted Rebecca to an on-coming adventure. With his hands behind his back, Jesse asked Rebecca to pick one and then depending on which hand she picked, that would determine their adventure. The catch was that she HAD to go and she couldn't ask ANY questions. Rebecca picked left hand and received a green Now and Later candy. Without telling her what that meant, Jesse began to head towards his car. He and Rebecca waved good bye to the family at the pool party with Jesse assuring Rebecca they knew about the adventure. Once in the car, Rebecca had a clear idea of where they were headed but once they hit 95S and she realized they were not heading into Philadelphia, she sat back and began to enjoy the surprising ride. Two hours later, she was even MORE curious where they were headed as Jesse would not answer a single question. As they crossed into Virginia, Rebecca figured out their destination which was confirmed by Jesse to be the Shenandoah Mountains. Upon arriving, Jesse drove straight to a camp site and to Rebecca's surprise, pulled out a tent, sleeping bags, and a change of clothes for her from the trunk of the car. After a lightning fast tent pitching, Jesse insisted Rebecca hop back into the car as they zipped out of the camp site and back onto the mountain's Skyline Drive. After determining the perfect outlook, Jesse brought out a blanket onto a short stone wall and Rebecca plopped down to watch a beautiful sunset and listen while Jesse played Ben Harper's Forever on his guitar. As Jesse told her to "turn around for a minute" she turned, expecting a bottle of wine and glasses, as cheesy as she knows Jesse to be, she turned back around to a small ring box and Jesse's smile. Without a word being exchanged, she threw her arms around them. The next morning, they returned home to an engagement party in his sister's back yard, as the entire family was actually in town for their proposal.

c.) why we deserve to win

I asked Jesse what he would say about deserving to win and he responded with a grin "Because we're a knockout couple who adores each other!" which I think encapulates it pretty well. Also, we love your photography and I'm excited to work with someone who's excited to bring out our personality as I saw you did with the beautiful couple on your blog.

Mike and I meet almost 3 years ago (Our Anniversary is February 25th). We were both asked to be in our best friends wedding which took place in December 2006- he to be a groomsman for his Best Friend from College, and me to be a bridesmaid for one of my best girlfriends from High School. We have seen each other around before, at bars, or parties, but never really noticed each other because we were both in other relationships, until our friends had an engagement party. During that engagement party, Mike and I talked the whole time. He was a shy guy, and the bride, told me not to be discouraged because I am such an extrovert and would outtalk him! So after a couple talks over the phone, we had our first date on February 25th 2006, and have been inseparable ever since.
Mike and I bought a house together in April 2008, and we both new an engagement was soon to follow.
We got engaged on September 23rd, 2008. We meet up at my best friend’s house, the house I used to live in Manayunk for 3 years.. When I got to her house, Mike was already there and he was upstairs in my old bedroom. When I got up to my old bed room, he was looking out the window. He asked me to take a look at something, so as I am peering my head out the window to take a look, he backed away, and as I turned around he was down on one knee. He said “ This is the place we really made our connection, and the first place we kissed, I wanted the place to a special place that we will always remember, and this place is the place I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you…Will you Marry Me?” As my best friend was down stairs, knowing exactly what was going on, and helped set the whole thing up, heard me screaming “Shut up, Shut up” and laughing…Mike said “ you know you don’t get the ring unless you say yes” so of course I said “YESSSS”!!! It was the greatest night of my life…and needless to say, we meet up down there because we had a softball game for Manayunk Sports and Social right after the engagement. So I had to wear my brand new rock to a softball field! I couldn’t play, so I had to sit the bench so I could gleam at my ring the rest of the night! J


Okay... here's the story of how Chris and I met and got engaged. It's kind of cheesy but funny now when we tell people. :) I took it from our wedding website, which is why I'm talking about myself in the third person!

How we met: 03/01/2002
Although Christopher and Stephanie were both in the same year at Villanova University, they actually met as freshmen through mutual friends on South Street in Philadelphia, PA (at a piercing shop, no less!). Stephanie was getting a bar put through the cartilage in her ear... and Christopher was, well, awed and smitten by her determination! Before they knew it, they were running into each other everywhere around campus (Stephanie thinks this was more than just coincidental!)... and as they say, the rest is history. Although Stephanie no longer has her ear piercing from that fated night, their love has still continued to grow ever since.

How it happened: 08/09/2007
Stephanie had just finished her first year of graduate school and was looking forward to a relaxing week-long vacation with Christopher in his current town of Hoboken, NJ. Little did she know that Christopher was planning a little something extra special! Christopher and Stephanie traveled into New York City every day that week to sightsee and, most importantly, to find the city's best cupcake! Unbeknownst to Stephanie, Christopher was traveling with the ring in his backpack on each trip, waiting for the perfect moment to propose. On the final day in the city, on one of the rare perfectly clear low humidity days of August, Christopher and Stephanie decided to stroll through Central Park. When they stopped to rest on a bench in their favorite spot, Literary Walk, Christopher not only gave Stephanie the best cupcake in the city (Magnolia Bakery all the way!) but also the best surprise of her life. Amongst the flurry of chocolate icing and vanilla crumbs, he opened a box containing a beautiful diamond ring and asked Stephanie to marry him. In her shocked chocolate-induced frenzy, Stephanie eventually managed to blurt out an enthusiastic "YES!

Friday, January 16, 2009

what are you DOING to me

So I got a text from douchebag last night which said: "So hows Rock Bottom tonight?" I was confused because we hadn't talked in weeks- and that was the first thing he said? No response to my other text a few days ago or anything? lame. So I responded: "It was fine- JL and I had an ok time except for the live music. We left"

No reponse.

So finally I texted him back a couple hours after and I said: "I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't just have you txt me randomly like nothing happened and then when I answer I only get the silent treatment. Either our shit is over and we move on or we talk about what went down. I apologized for my part. I don't want you to ask me about RB, I want either an apology or a time where we can talk our shit out. You can't just text about trivial things and then never respond. I'm sorry for my part but what are you doing? Why did you even text me?"

No response.

So this morning I texted him saying: " I guess your silence is my answer. Please do not contact me unless it's an apology or an attempt to talk about our crap. It's too hard. Sorry"

No response- but that's fine. I feel good that I stood up for myself. Because it's WAY too easy for any girl- but prob more so for me to look into things. Like I get a 4 word text after over 2 weeks of silence and I immediately go into over-analyzation mode. It's ridiculous. And what happened on New Year's Eve was the BIGGEST fight we've ever had. Our other little pathetic fights were easy to just blow over but this one we can not. He's just as much at fault as I am.

It took a lot of guts to tell him to not contact me- because I really would like this thing to be smoothed over- and I guess I'm a glutton for punishment but I won't just let it go like that. I need to stand up for myself and I deserve an apology. The good thing is that I don't have feelings for him anymore. It was probably good that I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks because it distanced me from him and my feels evaporated within my anger and disgust. I still care for him as a friend and i would like our friendship to be patched up but I don't think I want it to be like it was before. I don't think I want to go out with him and his friends. I KNOW I don't want to ever see Becky again. I'm so sick of fake people. But I would like him to be able to go to RB without a big deal and for me not to be so anxious about leaving on bad terms.

Ever since dad died it's really hard for me to leave someone I care about with awful bad words between us. It's been amplified since Mike Ski died. No one knows when the day will be our last. And so I always try and come back to the person to patch things up and crap. I know that I'm too forgiving (probably to a fault) but my anger dissapates quite fast and I'm ready to patch things up sooner than other people. But I really would like to patch these things up with Jared- but I know things can't be the same as they were before. Hence me standing up for myself yay! So we'll see how it goes. I doubt he will ever respond. I think his text last night was a white flag and I shot him down lol. but whatever.

I realize that I ramble hella bad on these blogs. Sorry if you can't keep up with my train of thought- this entry was really just for me to write it out and sort it out in my head.

mmmk. I'm done.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009



damn it

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Death Cab

The end of Scrubs tonight played "I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab.  I swear - I nearly died.  I miss when you used to play that song on the guitar.  And everytime it came on one of our ipods we would all sing it real loud.  I miss the 3 of us... I miss you.  I don't understand how far we have gotten so close and so far in the last (almost) year. You are like smoking.  It's an awful habit and you shouldn't be around it. But damn it, it feels good for those 3 minutes.  Sure the long term damage is immense- but god damn how i want those 3 minutes of happiness with you.  

Usually I'm ok.  Usually I'm great.  I see myself in a 3rd person kind of view.  I see myself working, and being independent and doing my own things and laughing and enjoying life.  But there are these moments.  These moments where I'm overcome with the feeling like I can't breathe.  The overwhelming feeling where I'm clawing at my reality, kicking and screaming to get back to the way things were.  To change how I was when we were together.  To kick myself for being the god awful bitch I was to you to make you PROVE to me that you loved me.  Who does that?  blah.  Why is it that I love what I can't have and I shun what loves me?  

Life is funny.  And not in that: It-feels-great-and-it-really-is-the-best-medicine kind of way... more like kick-you-in-the-stomach-when-it-rains-it-pours kinda way.  Ever since my dad died it's been a whole lot of crap.  A whole lot of "does this really happen to normal people/i should have a camera crew following me to document this crap" kinda of crap.  I'm waiting for that sunray to burst through the crowd.  I'm waiting for the GOOD to happen.  What do I have to do to make that happen?  Do I just wait or is there something I'm supposed to be doing?  

I hate these dark emo, cry black tears, moments. I feel like a loser but COME ON, LIFE- WORK WITH ME HERE!!