Friday, January 16, 2009

what are you DOING to me

So I got a text from douchebag last night which said: "So hows Rock Bottom tonight?" I was confused because we hadn't talked in weeks- and that was the first thing he said? No response to my other text a few days ago or anything? lame. So I responded: "It was fine- JL and I had an ok time except for the live music. We left"

No reponse.

So finally I texted him back a couple hours after and I said: "I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't just have you txt me randomly like nothing happened and then when I answer I only get the silent treatment. Either our shit is over and we move on or we talk about what went down. I apologized for my part. I don't want you to ask me about RB, I want either an apology or a time where we can talk our shit out. You can't just text about trivial things and then never respond. I'm sorry for my part but what are you doing? Why did you even text me?"

No response.

So this morning I texted him saying: " I guess your silence is my answer. Please do not contact me unless it's an apology or an attempt to talk about our crap. It's too hard. Sorry"

No response- but that's fine. I feel good that I stood up for myself. Because it's WAY too easy for any girl- but prob more so for me to look into things. Like I get a 4 word text after over 2 weeks of silence and I immediately go into over-analyzation mode. It's ridiculous. And what happened on New Year's Eve was the BIGGEST fight we've ever had. Our other little pathetic fights were easy to just blow over but this one we can not. He's just as much at fault as I am.

It took a lot of guts to tell him to not contact me- because I really would like this thing to be smoothed over- and I guess I'm a glutton for punishment but I won't just let it go like that. I need to stand up for myself and I deserve an apology. The good thing is that I don't have feelings for him anymore. It was probably good that I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks because it distanced me from him and my feels evaporated within my anger and disgust. I still care for him as a friend and i would like our friendship to be patched up but I don't think I want it to be like it was before. I don't think I want to go out with him and his friends. I KNOW I don't want to ever see Becky again. I'm so sick of fake people. But I would like him to be able to go to RB without a big deal and for me not to be so anxious about leaving on bad terms.

Ever since dad died it's really hard for me to leave someone I care about with awful bad words between us. It's been amplified since Mike Ski died. No one knows when the day will be our last. And so I always try and come back to the person to patch things up and crap. I know that I'm too forgiving (probably to a fault) but my anger dissapates quite fast and I'm ready to patch things up sooner than other people. But I really would like to patch these things up with Jared- but I know things can't be the same as they were before. Hence me standing up for myself yay! So we'll see how it goes. I doubt he will ever respond. I think his text last night was a white flag and I shot him down lol. but whatever.

I realize that I ramble hella bad on these blogs. Sorry if you can't keep up with my train of thought- this entry was really just for me to write it out and sort it out in my head.

mmmk. I'm done.

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