Usually I'm ok. Usually I'm great. I see myself in a 3rd person kind of view. I see myself working, and being independent and doing my own things and laughing and enjoying life. But there are these moments. These moments where I'm overcome with the feeling like I can't breathe. The overwhelming feeling where I'm clawing at my reality, kicking and screaming to get back to the way things were. To change how I was when we were together. To kick myself for being the god awful bitch I was to you to make you PROVE to me that you loved me. Who does that? blah. Why is it that I love what I can't have and I shun what loves me?
Life is funny. And not in that: It-feels-great-and-it-really-is-the-best-medicine kind of way... more like kick-you-in-the-stomach-when-it-rains-it-pours kinda way. Ever since my dad died it's been a whole lot of crap. A whole lot of "does this really happen to normal people/i should have a camera crew following me to document this crap" kinda of crap. I'm waiting for that sunray to burst through the crowd. I'm waiting for the GOOD to happen. What do I have to do to make that happen? Do I just wait or is there something I'm supposed to be doing?
I hate these dark emo, cry black tears, moments. I feel like a loser but COME ON, LIFE- WORK WITH ME HERE!!