Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Death Cab

The end of Scrubs tonight played "I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab.  I swear - I nearly died.  I miss when you used to play that song on the guitar.  And everytime it came on one of our ipods we would all sing it real loud.  I miss the 3 of us... I miss you.  I don't understand how far we have gotten so close and so far in the last (almost) year. You are like smoking.  It's an awful habit and you shouldn't be around it. But damn it, it feels good for those 3 minutes.  Sure the long term damage is immense- but god damn how i want those 3 minutes of happiness with you.  

Usually I'm ok.  Usually I'm great.  I see myself in a 3rd person kind of view.  I see myself working, and being independent and doing my own things and laughing and enjoying life.  But there are these moments.  These moments where I'm overcome with the feeling like I can't breathe.  The overwhelming feeling where I'm clawing at my reality, kicking and screaming to get back to the way things were.  To change how I was when we were together.  To kick myself for being the god awful bitch I was to you to make you PROVE to me that you loved me.  Who does that?  blah.  Why is it that I love what I can't have and I shun what loves me?  

Life is funny.  And not in that: It-feels-great-and-it-really-is-the-best-medicine kind of way... more like kick-you-in-the-stomach-when-it-rains-it-pours kinda way.  Ever since my dad died it's been a whole lot of crap.  A whole lot of "does this really happen to normal people/i should have a camera crew following me to document this crap" kinda of crap.  I'm waiting for that sunray to burst through the crowd.  I'm waiting for the GOOD to happen.  What do I have to do to make that happen?  Do I just wait or is there something I'm supposed to be doing?  

I hate these dark emo, cry black tears, moments. I feel like a loser but COME ON, LIFE- WORK WITH ME HERE!!

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